Know Your Stars!
by Arii-hime
Summary: Know Your Stars, with the Gakuen Alice characters. See what happens when you harass a kid with an Alice far too much. The best thing to do...is just laugh along with everyone else. And then run.
1. Mikan Sakura

[**A/N:** I was feeling so random and stupid that I decided to make my own. Enjoy!]

**Disclaimer:** Higuchi Tachibana is a straight-up genius for creating Gakuen Alice; therefore I did not, because I am not genius enough to make something this cool. This applies to this entire series, because I don't feel like writing this how many times I probably will have to.

* * *

**Know Your Stars!**

**~*~**

**Victim #1: Mikan Sakura...**

* * *

Mikan walked into the room. She was sort of nervous. There was a single spotlight with a chair in the middle of it, as if light from the heavens was shining down upon it. She sat down and fidgeted. Why was she here, anyway?

She jumped as a deep voice rang out:

_Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars..._

"Eh?" Mikan said.

_Mikan...wishes every tree in the world was named after her..._

"What? I do not! Who are you?" Mikan exclaimed.

_Mikan...thinks that even God made mistakes regarding her birth..._

"WHAT?! What's that supposed to mean, creep?!"

_Mikan...likes to drink her milkshakes through her nose..._

"SHUT UP!!! I do not! These are the lamest insults I've ever heard!" Mikan exclaimed as she got up to find the door but was only surrounded by darkness. "Let me out of here!"

_Not so fast, Mandarin Orange._

"D-don't call me that!!" Mikan yelled. "My name is MIKAN!"

_Mandarin Oranges...takes a secret seductive pleasure when Natsume calls her Polka Dots..._

"I hate it when he calls me that!! Stop lying!!!"

_Yeah, right, Polka dots. Speaking of Natsume, Mikan...wets her panties when she thinks of him..._

"..." Mikan's face flushed bright red.

_I thought so. Mikan...wishes she were Aeries from Final Fantasy VII..._

"Who the heck is Aeries?!" Mikan screeched as Aeries walked out.

"I didn't know you had such a strong desire to be me, Sakura..." she said. "But you really should stick to reality." Mikan watched, dumbfounded, as she disappeared into a heavenly light.

_Heh heh...that was fun._

"This is SO not fun!! You only think it's fun because YOU'RE the one making the insults, you...you...you MAKESHIFT GOD!!!"

_*horrified gasp* How could you say something like that? I am the one who rules this place!_

"Yeah, like I'm supposed to believe you. God probably just had to take a break and you walked in his office by mistake and locked the door."

_Oh really now? Then let's see how you like this. Mikan...wears a mask year round to make people think she's pretty..._

Mikan looked flabbergasted. "I DO NOT!!!!"

_Mikan...takes rap lessons from Ne-Yo..._

"WHAT?!?!?!" Mikan hollered. "That's the LAST person I'd want to take rap lessons from!"

_How funny...because we happen to have Ne-Yo right here. He says that you sucked donkey crap anyways._

Mikan gasped. "He DID?! NE-YO, YOU TRAITOR---I-I mean, how could he say that?! I don't even know him!"

_That's what I expected. Mikan...looks like an overstuffed orangutan's pink shiny butt..._

"SHUT UP!!!" Mikan began to curse loudly and openly, saying every single one that came to mind.

_What a potty mouth. I bet you don't talk to your mother like that._

"No duh I don't! One, because she's hardly ever around! And two, she'd slap me if I did!!"

_So doing naughty things behind her back...what an irresponsible ignorant child._

"You're probably no older than I am! Or even better, if you are, you're an ancient old crone!!!"

_Mikan...makes out with herself..._

Mikan was so mad she couldn't even speak.

_Look at the babbling idiot. She can hardly form words. Let's all point and laugh at her. Ha ha ha!_

"D-don't laugh at me you old crackerbox!"

_Is that the best you can do? Mikan...purposely flashes her panties at Natsume to arouse him..._

Mikan popped a hundred veins. "There is no way I would do anything to arouse that conceited jerk!"

_That's not what he says. In fact, he says that you even took your skirt off one time._

"HE'S A LIAR!!!!!!" Mikan didn't know how much more she could handle.

_Mikan...considers doing a strip tease in front of the entire class..._

"I AM NOT A PERVERT!!!"

_Mikan...tries to lure Natsume into her room at night..._

"THAT'S _IT_!!!" Mikan jumped up and searched frantically for an exit.

_Mikan...thinks that Ruka is the gayest boy to ever walk the planet..._

"I DO NOT!"

_Mikan...has had fifty plastic surgeries done in the past month..._

"_You_ probably did!!"

_Mikan...thinks that pigtails make her look like a woman..._

"WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!?!?!"

_Mikan...likes to lick dirty refridgerators..._

"JUST FREAKING SHUT UP!!!"

_Mikan...steals candy from homeless babies..._

"SHUT UP YOU UGLY RETARDED LOSER!!!"

_Mikan...wishes she were a boy so she could go out with Hotaru..._

At last, Mikan burst into tears. "Let me go!" she begged. "Just let me go! Please! I just want to go home!" She cried harder.

Without another word another light shone, this time on the other side of the room, revealing a door with a green exit sign on it. Mikan ran out of it crying, and that was that.

* * *

I leaned casually against the railing. "Finally," I said. "That took way too long. I thought she'd never shut up. She had the lamest insults I've ever heard."

My stage hand and right hand man, Kyo, nodded. "Got too big of a mouth," he muttered.

"Oh well." I turned around. "Bring in the next victim---err, contender."

* * *

_Ha ha. This one wasn't that funny. The next one will be funnier, I promise. Because we all know who's going to get tortured---I mean, questioned---next._

_I was feeling so random. And I've always wanted to write one of these. Now I had the chance to. XD I basically made it because I felt like harassing the Gakuen Alice characters. I plan to do one for just about every character.  
_

_See that green button? Yes, that one. Guide your mouse down to it carefully and click._

_Thanks for reading._

_~Ariisha-chan_


	2. Natsume Hyuuga

**Know Your Stars!**

**~*~**

**Victim #2: Natsume Hyuuga...

* * *

**

Natsume walked into the room and sat down. He wasn't nervous or scared, but he _was_ bored out of his skull. Nothing special about this place. He wondered what Mikan was babbling about when she ran out of here. He didn't want to be here, he just wanted to see what had made his Mikan cry like a baby.

He looked up sharply as a deep voice rang out:

_Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars..._

He waited.

_Natsume...likes to dream about Ruka at night..._

"Is that the best you can come up with?" Natsume sat back, bored.

_Natsume...sings "Single Ladies" while doing the electric slide..._

"How do I know you're not the one doing it?" Natsume shot back.

_Natsume...wears high heels in the privacy in his room..._

He snorted. "You wish."

_Natsume...enjoys being called "kitty" by Mikan..._

"..." Natsume popped a vein.

_Heh heh heh...finally, it's working. Natsume...wants to see Mikan in crotchless polka dotted panties with a matching bra, doing a lap dance for him..._

Just the mere thought made him flush slightly, and he cringed.

_Why the blush, kitty?_

"Shut up." Natsume lit a miniscule fire on his finger.

_There's nothing you can do about it, so put the fire away, kitty._

The temperature of the room increased.

_Natsume...likes to bake brownies, cookies and other treats..._

It got even hotter.

_Natsume...has a thousand different ultimatums and each one is incondite..._

Natsume's face twisted into a scowl.

_Natsume...wants to put an extremely tumid hickey on Mikan..._

That struck a nerve. Natsume stood, two large orbs of fire forming in his hands. "You'd better shut up now," he snarled.

_Down, kitty. We wouldn't want to hurt anyone, now, would we?_

"Someone in here's gonna get a bit more than hurt," he growled.

_You wouldn't hurt a fly, you weak pathetic worm._

Several parts of the wall caught on fire.

_Burning things isn't going to help, but since you've already lit the fire would you mind roasting my marshmallows?_

Several other parts of the wall caught on fire.

_Natsume...writes mushy stories about men..._

Practically the entire room was on fire.

_Natsume...uses his seductive moves on Narumi..._

"What did you just say?" It was almost a hundred degrees in the room.

_I said that Natsume uses his seductive moves on Narumi._

The spotlight burst into flames.

_It's indestructible, kitty, so burn it as much as you like._

Eventually the flames went out, and the temperature of the room went down, but Natsume still looked extremely peeved when he sat back down.

_That's a good kitty. Would you like a tuna treat?_

Natsume cursed like a sailor under his breath.

_Little kittens shouldn't curse. Bad kitty. You're almost as bad as Mandarin Oranges Polka dots girl._

Natsume looked up quickly.

_Got your attention there, didn't I? Natsume...wants to lock himself and Ruka in a room together..._

Natsume cursed again.

_Natsume...keeps pictures of every male in the school at the bottom of his closet..._

"You're asking for an early trip to heaven," Natsume muttered.

_Says who, kitty?_

Natsume didn't respond.

_Thought so, kitty. Natsume...has a Teletubbies poster in his room..._

"What the...?! Teletubbies?!" Natsume looked up, his eyes turning dark.

_Natsume...has gel to make his hair stick up like that..._

"Since when does my hair stick up, moron?"

_Would you like a mirror to check, kitty?_

"No..." Natsume refrained from saying what he really wanted to say.

_Natsume...wears contacts to make everyone think his eyes are red..._

"Contacts, eh?" The room heated up to almost a hundred and twenty degrees.

_Tone it down, kitty. This isn't Death Valley, you know._

It only got hotter.

_Natsume...*pant pant*...thinks up ways...*pant pant*...to impress Narumi...*pant pant*...all day..._

"Gotcha there, didn't I?" Natsume smirked. "Sucker."

_You really think so? How about I start calling you stupid kitty?_

"You wouldn't."

_Stupid kitty...wants Mikan to jump on him in class..._

Natsume popped a vein and stood up. "Say something else, I dare you," he threatened.

_Stupid kitty...looks like Shino Aburame..._

Suddenly there was muffled screaming, and another spotlight shone to reveal a door with a green exit sign. He walked over to it and opened the door. "I'm leaving," he said.

* * *

"Ariisha, you're hair's on fire!" Leo, the camera guy, screamed at me.

"It is?!" I felt the heat and my scalp burning. "Crap...that stupid stuck-up kitty with a stick up his a---"

Kyo dumped a bucket of water on my head. Now I was soaked from head to toe. And peeved.

I grabbed the microphone and screamed, "_Natsume...wears polka dotted underwear like his infamous Polka dots..._"

He stopped.

"_That's right, kitty. You heard me. Keep on walking like you know what's best for you._"

He kept on walking, but when I looked over the railing again the chair was on fire.

I sighed, snapping my fingers. "Someone replace the chair," I said. Then I grabbed the list. "Let's see who's next to be tortured---I mean, interviewed. I hope the rest of them aren't as psychotic as stupid kitty down there."

* * *

"Well? How'd it go?" Mikan said in a hysterical tone as Natsume walked out. "It went horribly. I can tell by your face. I told you he was an awful person!"

Natsume shrugged. "Simpletons," he simply said.

* * *

_Freak. That was better than the last one. And now I can move onto the next person that will suffer---I mean, have a good time. *cough cough*_

_Look at that green button. Enticing, huh? Just click it. It won't hurt anyone._

_Thanks for reading._

_~Ariisha-chan_


	3. Ruka Nogi

**Know Your Stars!**

**~*~**

**Victim #3: Ruka Nogi...

* * *

**

Ruka went into the room. The light shone down on a chair as he clutched his bunny, Usagi, tighter. He was a bit nervous, because Mikan and Natsume had looked really really mad when they walked out of here. And Mikan had told him all sorts of horrible stories about what went on in here.

He jumped almost a foot in the air as a deep voice rang out:

_Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars..._

"Why is this chair burnt?" Ruka questioned as he sat down on the chair.

_Oh, crap...I thought I told you to replace the chair, you stupid moron!_

"What?" Ruka asked.

_Errr, nothing. What I said was, Ruka...is so ugly every time he sits in a chair, it burns itself..._

"What?" Ruka exclaimed. Already he was feeling apprehensive about this place.

_Ruka...enjoys making out with his pet bunny..._

"I do not! I don't even make out with Usagi, so there!" Ruka felt his face turn red.

_Ah ha ha, you're blushing because you know it's true._

"I am not!"

_Ruka...thinks that Narumi would look hot in a speedo..._

Ruka's mouth dropped open. His face turned even redder.

_Ruka...blushes when he thinks of all animals in the world in thongs..._

"S-shut up!" Ruka yelled, his face now almost as red as Natsume's eyes.

_Awww, the little blondie's getting all riled up because he knows it's true..._

"I-it's not true, so shut up!!"

_It is true, and you know it. You don't have to deny it, sweetie._

"Stop calling me sweetie! Who are you, my mother?!"

_Yes, it's me, Ruka. And I just married ten other men, had fifty-one kids from each man, bought eleven elephants, and rented your room out as a club._

"Y-you did?" Ruka looked flabbergasted. He jumped up.

_No, stupid. Open your eyes._

"..." He sat back down with his head down.

_Ruka...knows that he is gay but denies it..._

Ruka looked up, his mouth open. "I am NOT gay!!!"

_Ruka...thinks that Misaki-sensei is Australian..._

"What? I do not!" Ruka screeched as Misaki came out with his kendo stick.

After a long and brutal butt-kicking, Ruka looked up weakly. "What is wrong with you?" he said.

_There's nothing wrong with me, Ruka. It's what's wrong with you._

"HUH?"

_Ruka...photoshopped himself to look like Tamaki Suoh on Myspace..._

"WHAT did you just say?!" Ruka screamed as Tamaki walked out in tears.

"How could you, Nogi?! I thought we were friends!" Tamaki cried as he ran away.

"..."

_Ruka...sings "That's What You Get" in the shower..._

"Are you nuts?!" Ruka shrieked. He sounded like he was on the brink of insanity.

_Ruka...is actually a brunette who dyes his hair blond every day..._

"YOU, my friend, are EVIL!!! And I am a PROUD BLOND PERSON!!!"

_How do we know? You could be wearing a wig, you little faker._

"I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO FAKE!! And why would I even wear a WIG?!?!?!"

_Ruka...is secretly a meth dealer..._

"Where in the world would I get METH from?! And who would I sell it to?!"

_It would explain why Mikan is so bouncy, and why Koko always smiles and Narumi is gay._

"But those aren't even symptoms of what meth can do to you!"

_The first one is. And how would you know? Unless you deal under the radar._

"But I DON'T!!!"

_Can't prove that you don't. Sorry, but I'ma have to call the cops on you._

"But...but...!!!"

_No buts. They're on their way, so we'll have to make use of this time before they come and arrest you._

"But I don't wanna get arrested!" Ruka whined.

_Sorry, sonny. Just doing justice. Hey, Kyo, how long do you think they'll make him stay in jail?_

_A month, tops_.

"What?" Ruka looked confused.

_Huh? I didn't...uhh...Ruka...likes to skip through pretty meadows with Natsume..._

"WHAT?! SINCE WHEN DO I SKIP THROUGH PRETTY MEADOWS?!?!?!" Ruka hollered as a voice yelled from somewhere, "Ruka, you are _so_ dead."

"..." Ruka sweatdropped.

_Poor you. When you get out of jail, you'll get beaten to a pulp by your best friend._

"Shut up!" Ruka yelled. He was at the end of his rope. "That's it. I'm out of here!" He looked around but couldn't find the door. "Let me out, creeps!"

_Escaping from the police is illegal, you know. And the minute you step outside you'll get beat up._

"..." Ruka froze.

_That's right. Poor little juvenile delinquent._

"For the last time, I DON'T DEAL METH!" Ruka shouted, exasperated.

_Ruka...wants to secretly eat Piyo..._

Ruka's mouth dropped open.

"I WOULD NEVER EAT PIYO!!! I LOVE HIM---I mean, I'm a vegetarian! I don't eat meat!"

_Ruka...wants to roast Piyo on a spit..._

"PIYO IS AN INNOCENT CREATURE!! WHY WOULD I EAT HIM???" Ruka didn't bother to hide his hysteria.

_Ruka...wants to slather Piyo in grease and slap him in a frying pan..._

"THAT IS TOO CRUEL!! YOU EVIL HEARTLESS HAG!!"

Suddenly another spotlight shone, revealing a door with a green exit sign on it as it burst open and policemen poured in.

"Police! Put your hands up! This is the Toyko police!" they yelled, pointing thier guns at Ruka.

"But...I DON'T DEAL METH!!" Ruka screamed as two guys grabbed his arms. "Hey!! Lemme go!!"

"Be careful, man; he's a crazy one! Probably just took it this morning!"

"I DIDN'T!!!"

_Heh heh...this is fun. Fried chicken, anyone?_

"NOOOO!!!" They began to drag Ruka out. "I SWEAR YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!!" he screamed at the spotlight as he was dragged out the door.

_Maybe in another lifetime, meth boy._

The door slammed with grim finality.

_Now you know Ruka Nogi, the meth dealing Piyo-eating wig-wearing gay boy.

* * *

_

I leaned the microphone away from me. "Good one, Kyo," I said as I slapped him a high-five. Then I leaned my feet up on he railing, pushing the chair back. "I can't believe we actually got someone _arrested_."

"Neither can I." Kyo took a swig from his soda.

"And I can't believe we forgot to add the ending on the first two." I rolled my eyes. "They ran out way too quickly."

Kyo snickered.

"Too bad." I grabbed the list and scanned it. "We still have a lot of people to go. Let's bring in the next sucker---I mean, entrant."

"...You really gotta stop doing that before you get arrested next."

* * *

_Lol. I got Ruka arrested. XD Shame on me._

_A little sneak peek at the next one: the next person on the agonizing---err, happy---list is Hotaru._

_I DREAD TO THINK OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH HER._

_Look at the green button! It's so cute! Go on, press it! You know you want to!_

_Thanks for reading._

_~Ariisha-chan_


	4. Hotaru Imai

**Know Your Stars!**

**~*~**

**Victim #4: Hotaru Imai...**

* * *

Hotaru entered the room, bored. She couldn't believe this was the place that got Mikan all riled up, Natsume burning random things for no reason, and Ruka arrested. It was just an empty room with a spotlight, for crying out loud. There was a chair under the spotlight, and she went over warily and sat down. This place looked exceedingly dull and not even worth her time.

Her hand flew to the Baka Gun at her side protectively as a deep voice rang out:

_Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars..._

Hotaru returned her hand to her lap. It was just a stupid voice. A _voice_ had caused all of this? A _voice_? Honestly. They were _too_ childish.

_Oh, snap. It's what's-her-name!_

Hotaru looked up coldly. "Excuse me?" she snarled.

_Oh...uhhh...crap, I can't do this. I don't wanna die!_

She looked satisfied. "Someone here is very smart," she said.

_Awww, thanks, Hotaru! I'm glad you think so! I---_

_Arii. Shut up and get on with it._

"..." What was this messed up place? "Arii"?

_Hotaru...likes to blackmail Ruka so she can secretly hang up the extra photos in her closet and worship him..._

_Kyo! What is your problem?!_

Hotaru snorted. "If only. Money is more important to me than that kid."

_Hotaru...her nickname is "Puddin' Cup"..._

"Do you want me to paint the walls red with your blood?" Hotaru asked in a deadly tone.

_Puddin' Cup...wants to fly with Ruka on his eagle..._

Hotaru popped a vein unconsciously.

_Puddin' Cup...tries to use her duck scooter to float on lakes..._

Now she was seeing what they were talking about. This place was starting to get on her nerves. What she would do to be able to climb up that spotlight and break their jaws.

_Puddin' Cup...stuffs herself in cabinets, pretending to be a grocery..._

Hotaru's glare got steely.

_Puddin' Cup...secretly wears panties with hippos on them..._

That did it. She whipped out her Baka Gun and fired three times at the spotlight, only to have it recoil right at her forehead.

_Oh, sugar-honey-iced-tea...you've done it now, Kyo!_

_Oh, look. Puddin' Cup's hurt._

_SHUT UP, KYO!!!_

Hotaru stood up slowly, wiping the blood off of her forehead. She turned her ice-cold violent stare up to the spotlight.

_You flippin' retard. You stupid flippin' retard! Now she's gonna murder us all!_

_How does pain feel, Puddin' Cup?_

Hotaru smiled an evil smile. "Just great," she drawled. "Just great." Then she whipped out her Impenetrable Baka Cannon and fired at the spotlight.

_I TOLD YOU STUPID!!!_

There was a crash, a bang, stiffled curses, and then another spotlight shone to reveal a door with a green exit sign on it. Hotaru walked slowly out the door, muttering, "Stupidly stupid people acting stupidly stupid in a stupidly stupid place."

_Now...oww...now you know Hotaru Imai, the Ruka stalking eagle longing cabinet stuffing Puddin' Cup...oww..._

Hotaru turned around and fired another shot.

* * *

"This is all your fault, Kyo, you stupid moron!" I wailed, rubbing my various bruises in various spots. "Look, now she's ruined everything!"

"How was I supposed to know Puddin' Cup was gonna get her panties in a knot?" he muttered, rubbing his arm.

"You were. You _were_! You already know how she acts and now we got hurt because of your big fat mouth!" I stuck my bottom lip out.

"Well, I'm sorry. What, you want me to kiss your wounds for you?" Kyo asked sarcastically.

"Don't play with me or you'll be the next one in line for a burial."

I stuck my hand out. "Give me the list." Once it was in my rather bruised palm, I examined it while rubbing a really bad bruise on my cheek. "Well, we might as well just clean everything up really quick." I crooked my finger at Leo. "Get the medics and tell them to bring some ice packs. Then call the cleanup crew." I scanned the list. "Let's see who's in line next to be made miserable---I mean, alleviated." I sighed. "Being in charge around here is hard."

"You barely even do a good job of doing _that_."

"...Do you want my size ten Converse in your balls?"

* * *

_Meh. I know it took me awhile to update it. And it's real short, though the ending turned out just as planned XD_

_Next in line for the horror---I mean, help---is...YUU! :O I pity his pea-pickin' soul. XD_

_I plan to maybe make a list to show who I'm gonna do, but after Yuu I plan to do Koko. XD Now won't THAT be fun._

_Review for all the poor souls that were harmed in this chapter. XD_

_Thanks for reading._

_~Ariisha-chan_


End file.
